French Cuffs

Today I returned the white french cuff shirt you asked me to buy in March. As you tried it on over your tee shirt and sweater, you pulled yourself erect and set your jaw. Observing the image of the young man who once worked on Wall Street. Remembering when you wore suits with designer names and you were a force to be dealt with.
I had wondered at the time why you wanted the shirt. You hadn't put on a dress shirt in years.Even before the second stroke 5 years ago. Your stance was shorts or full dress.
Your desire for the life you once led became stronger and clearer as your kidneys became more distressed.
You were once so hot to the touch I loved to snuggle up for warmth in the winter. You came to feel the cold, even in the heat of Florida. You wore long gym pants tees and a blue cashmere sweater that matched your eyes. I won't return the sweater so I can wear it on days I need to.

5 weeks

so 5 weeks ago you physically left. so today it snowed. as the bruja said you would meet a woman from the land of ice and snow from an island but not your island and she would be the one. i brought you home to the land of ice and snow. so will share you with the islands soon.

Notes to myself

The bruises have almost faded. I want to remember them. The ones on my legs from holding you as I tried in vain to spoon water into you. The one on my foot from moving. The one in my heart will never heal.


I made yellow jello for you. You had two spoonfuls.

I bought your favorite candy for you. I was saving it for Easter. You left on Palm Sunday. I hope you found those sugary citric pieces. I threw them to the wind.

Every time I tried to kiss you aside from a brush of lips, you laughed. You had no control over your emotions after the stroke. No poker face, no stopping your tears. Depression and paranoia were your friends.

I hate you

I just wanted you to know I hate you and hope you are rotting in the sewer. LEWASS

The Greatest Show on Earth

As I go through the bits of Jaimot's life I found

the circus would rest
winters in florida sun
banyan trees gave shade
animals and performers
drowsing in winds of applause

published fall 2000


I remember going to the Ringling Museum in Fla. We strolled through the grounds. We were surprised by the floor to celling oils in the mansion. Thought the posters quaint. Talked of when we were young and enjoyed the circus in NYC. He with his family. I at a later date with mine.

I have realized that I can read his words and enjoy the memories we shared and created.

I need to correct the known

In Open Salon Stellaa wrote that she knew he was Jewish. Not Jewish very Anglican and proper. Had children no we wished to ...but could not... broke our hearts, but made us even closer.
Was married only once, to me.
He was a great challenge to live with. Anger was the third person in the room. Never knew when it would boil to the surface. Sometimes I would be angry back and would be threatened with death. Always he would apologize and always I would forgive.

zaj is laughing

As he wrote over and over goldman sucks is the worst example of greed. He had been warning for years of their graft. So i am sure he is having the big Ha HA Ha Ha Ha HA.....