Dear Lewis aka Zyskandar,

Today is the two month anniversary of your death.

Today the beans are up, the peas are inches and the pumpkins for the children are showing.

Today the Red Sox who you thought were strong are showing poorly.

Today the oil spill (which if you were here)( you would be paying for) has not stopped.

Today the North Koreans are gnashing their teeth.

Today we are clearly inching closer to an economic meltdown. Classic deflation should be the words in the idiot media language, but they need to protect jobs and the bottom line.

Today I am trying to find a moment when you are not trying to drive me crazy.

I planted this Bleeding Heart for you. It was a gift in your memory from neighbors.

I missed you today terribly. My heart hurt. My tears burned. I have no one to share the deep hurt of your passing.

You cut off all the people who knew you. Your family, anyone who might have called you friend. Posters on the web. Aside from me and God you died alone. No one to mourn your passing.

We are born alone and naked we die that way.

Keep calling.

Twin Masts

Did you presume to be the sole poet of the house?
You were the commander
of the verbose.
I trimmed your jibberish
Your prow parted the roiling seas
your white sheets full of sweat,
often becalmed.
Awaiting a cooler breeze
to alter your course
by degrees

Crab Cakes

Today is the second leg of the triple crown. I spent the last several years creating crab cakes with a basil mayonnaise sauce for you. They took all day to make. The first couple of times you helped by sitting and forming the cakes. In between watching the odds and making bets. Last year you could not help. Last year you did not bet. You felt out of touch with the universe.

Tasty?

When I was a little girl my grandfather loved to eat cottage cheese with sour cream and peaches for lunch. I thought that was nasty. I was reminded of him when my husband requested that I make the same dish for him for lunch.

book report

A Week in December
by Sebastian Faulks

3 stars is all this gets from me. I wanted to turn the pages fast to see if something better was in the offing but I was disappointed. Nice that the author wants us to see the error of our ways and reform. But which G-d does he want us to use? And which prism did he use to write this warning about our state of the world.

My Passion

I keep hearing..... find your passion.

Lewis you were my passion. You were the reason I got up and did a shit job. You were the reason I came home every evening and delighted you with your favorites. I loved being your wife. I adored you.

What now?

March Posts

So many posts in the month of March as his death was immanent. Trying to say all he could before his kidneys failed. Trying to post as many poems as possible, older ones he pulled out of his trunk. Hard to read as his spelling went awry, as his brain was oxygen starved and hungry.

I am struggling with his decision not to tell me of his choice to die in this painful way. But I realise the option may have been another stroke. I could not have continued to care for him if his physical condition had been worse than it was. I do thank him for letting us both be free.

Flowers

Today I realized I would never receive flowers from you again..
The last time you sent me a vase full of pink tulips was March 9. Twenty three years to the day that I asked you to marry me. You said yes...

You drew so many tulips for me. Some red but most were pink.
I will plant pink tulips for you.

Cosmic Fart

I assume Lewis that you had a cosmic fart with the markets yesterday.

Farts were your funny bone. The noise the idea. While you were in the emergency room with the mask on that was giving you a bit of oxygen for your starved brain, the seal would break and the sound was a funny fart. I said, Honey, your favorite noise. The nurses chuckled.

Tri Jet

I watched with tears the Derby today. The Whitney's built Churchill Downs. He was angry when his uncle sold the track. Lewis was a passionate horse lover. He trained, he bet he read all the stats knew all the blood lines. He wished to play the sport of kings. He once told me he had forgotten more about horses than most people knew. His heart was broken by one that had broken both forelegs. She had to be put down. Hence the explanation of a couple of his poems.

If any one is reading this and wants the poems... comment....