French Cuffs

Today I returned the white french cuff shirt you asked me to buy in March. As you tried it on over your tee shirt and sweater, you pulled yourself erect and set your jaw. Observing the image of the young man who once worked on Wall Street. Remembering when you wore suits with designer names and you were a force to be dealt with.
I had wondered at the time why you wanted the shirt. You hadn't put on a dress shirt in years.Even before the second stroke 5 years ago. Your stance was shorts or full dress.
Your desire for the life you once led became stronger and clearer as your kidneys became more distressed.
You were once so hot to the touch I loved to snuggle up for warmth in the winter. You came to feel the cold, even in the heat of Florida. You wore long gym pants tees and a blue cashmere sweater that matched your eyes. I won't return the sweater so I can wear it on days I need to.

5 weeks

so 5 weeks ago you physically left. so today it snowed. as the bruja said you would meet a woman from the land of ice and snow from an island but not your island and she would be the one. i brought you home to the land of ice and snow. so will share you with the islands soon.

Notes to myself

The bruises have almost faded. I want to remember them. The ones on my legs from holding you as I tried in vain to spoon water into you. The one on my foot from moving. The one in my heart will never heal.


I made yellow jello for you. You had two spoonfuls.

I bought your favorite candy for you. I was saving it for Easter. You left on Palm Sunday. I hope you found those sugary citric pieces. I threw them to the wind.

Every time I tried to kiss you aside from a brush of lips, you laughed. You had no control over your emotions after the stroke. No poker face, no stopping your tears. Depression and paranoia were your friends.

I hate you

I just wanted you to know I hate you and hope you are rotting in the sewer. LEWASS

The Greatest Show on Earth

As I go through the bits of Jaimot's life I found

the circus would rest
winters in florida sun
banyan trees gave shade
animals and performers
drowsing in winds of applause

published fall 2000


I remember going to the Ringling Museum in Fla. We strolled through the grounds. We were surprised by the floor to celling oils in the mansion. Thought the posters quaint. Talked of when we were young and enjoyed the circus in NYC. He with his family. I at a later date with mine.

I have realized that I can read his words and enjoy the memories we shared and created.

I need to correct the known

In Open Salon Stellaa wrote that she knew he was Jewish. Not Jewish very Anglican and proper. Had children no we wished to ...but could not... broke our hearts, but made us even closer.
Was married only once, to me.
He was a great challenge to live with. Anger was the third person in the room. Never knew when it would boil to the surface. Sometimes I would be angry back and would be threatened with death. Always he would apologize and always I would forgive.

zaj is laughing

As he wrote over and over goldman sucks is the worst example of greed. He had been warning for years of their graft. So i am sure he is having the big Ha HA Ha Ha Ha HA.....

Sunday week three of a soul passing into the mist

This evening at sixish will mark the third week of the passing of Lewis aka Zyskandar. I felt him leave. I knew he had gone and stated the fact as I stared out into the mist. Into a twisted tree out the window. He came to check in on me, somehow he let me know of his passing.
We were married at sixish, he passed into the realm of , and his hand in mine cooled at sixish.

I was loved, am still loved by my warrior ~ poet

Rain

I think today the rain is washing his ashes into the earth.
The remains are few if any. I am the only person who is mourning his passing. What should have been a wonderful life dissolved into paranoia. All your secrets are now being washed out. Your God knows the truth.

Poetry Muse ?

I am posting this to the open salon poet wakingupslowly. Are you as out of your mind as he was? Do you think he told you truths? A man who in the last months of his life went back in his mind to when he was happiest. Back to where he met me, and decided to marry for once and forever. What gives you the right to invade my grief? When all you have is half truths and fantasy? Did you hold his hand when he died? Did you see the imprint of his wedding band on his finger?

Today is the widow's birthday

Today is my birthday and I am very lonely for my best friend. But as I wrote in the last post he is out of touch. I hope Lewis has sent me a birthday thought and a big hug. He held my hand until the last and squeezed.

JAIMOT is part of the cosmos

Today is Easter Sunday. Jaimot's body left this world on Tuesday. He is now watching all of us with his red pen.
I was in title his wife, I was the basis for his ability to think. I took care of the body he took care of the world. He was interested in everything. His memory was lightning fast. As was his temper. He did not suffer fools. He asked students to THINK , examine, question, and to follow ther true inner path.
I know he is happier. He was hampered by poor health a frustration for a man who loved sports. I am unsure what to write as an obit.

So what I know...
He attened the Groton School in Mass. Where they have graduated students who went on to be president. (The headmaster had high hopes for him) He then enlisted in the Army and became a ranger and spent time in Vietnam. He was awarded various medals which at a later time I believe he threw out. He returned to earn degrees at a couple of schools. Then he attended Harvard Law as he was the only member of his family that has not attended since the founding of the school and because his Mother wanted him to. His field of study was the constitution.
He had a trainers license and raced horses. He had great stories about the sport of kings. He was a stock broker part of his blood. He was very interested in Antiques we went to auctions and shops to find uniques. He wrote for a couple of newspapers. He did reviews for Kurkus. He sold cars (so if he was going to hell he had a good rason) He drove a taxi in NYC where he was born. He owned a company or two. He could cook if the spirit moved him ( though he never made an apple pie)
He waited for me ... he had decided not to marry until we met in Newport. Then he would wait for me to come home to him.. as I went about my daily job of keeping us intact. He would read to me his blogs, his poems or late at night when I could not sleep he would read children's poetry to sent me off to Nod. He sleep pattern was fits and starts. An idea would happen the blue eyes would open and in a blink action. Like the movies the family movie was Gone with the Wind. His favorite actor was Brando. Everybody does Brando.
He was passionate about politics.
He was passionate about America.


He wrote as ZAJ because he wanted his words to stand on merit.
His real name was Lewis Hammond Alexander Edward Whitney Stone